ALLOW ALL NOW

No, i am not always happy.

No, i am not always strong.

I am not always in love even though i am love.

No, i am not always positive even though i am always grateful.

No, i am not always secure and i am not always patient.

And sometimes i can be needy too.

But i am always understanding.

And i choose my reactions.

I choose to process my feelings in the healthiest way possible.

I choose to always, always be kind and loving.

Even when i do not feel it.

I understand i am having a human experience and that life is made of ups and downs. That is the exciting part, the learning process, the continuous challenge and growth. There is no fun on a flat rollercoaster, not a bit. The fun is on the learning, processing, getting frustrated, falling in love, rising in love, being afraid, being beyond brave, allowing it all. ALLOW. ALL NOW. Even the hurt, the shadow, the shit. We need the shadow to recognize the light. And it is all part of the same heart. And sometimes we just have to go within and clean up.

So i choose to show the shadow. To see it. To dance with it. I show to be open and vulnerable because that is when i learn the most.

I choose to keep an open heart because the heart needs to allow flow.

I choose to let the hurt out and create space for love to come in and for that i need to put my guard down, destroy any barriers and love it all, both shadow and light.

I am open.

I am vulnerable.

I am shadow.

And i am light.

But most of all, i am love.

 

 

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Me too

IMG_3947As the #metoo movement gains notoriety and all of the news are filled with rape allegations and “journalists” analyzing (judging) the facts, the warrior in me gets inflamed. How is it possible to see women agreeing with all of this, women publicly judging those who came out to tell their story? And I have to say that women like these are as much to blame as the men behind the sexual assault accusations, women like these most likely help raise the very men that feel entitled to someone else’s body. I refuse to believe women are powerless. I simply refuse. I know for a fact that it takes a huge amount of strength to speak up against any of the patriarchal rules. Although I haven’t been raped, I also have been “grabbed”, kissed, groped without consent and even have been yelled at and threatened for defending myself. I also have been sent unsolicited dick pictures and felt in danger after being sent angry messages because I politely refused to go out with someone. But my deepest experience of society’s and women’s bigotry comes from the biggest lesson in my life: my divorce. Through those very dark months I was taught we are not victims, we can fight back and we can change the outcome of our experience. We do have the power to change.

My story is a very common one, one that many women and men can tell nowadays. Married for 7 years and mother of a 4 and a 18 month old I come to find out my husband had been cheating on me for almost a year. Being at a vulnerable moment with small kids, still breastfeeding and still returning to my original shape, the news of such actions made me feel like the most undesirable, most hideous, most faulty human on Earth. I was broken, nauseous, lost and scared and decided to take some time and try to figure things out for myself and for my kids. I went on victim mode, angry mode, depressed mode and at that time I had a few good friends and the family to support me. Six months went by and nothing changed, he continued to spend time with her, I continued to feel hopeless and defeated and the less I spoke the more verbal abuse I heard. Until the day my little one saw me crying on the floor and brought me a ripped piece of toilet paper, then told me “Don’t cry. I don’t like to see you crying”. At that very moment I understood that I was only a victim because I was choosing to be one and I was dragging my children with me. At that moment I’ve decided I wanted better, I, we deserved better.

Little did I know that my decision on separation and divorce would cause me to lose all of my support, all of my married friends slowly moved away from me and in the distance I heard “This is what men do”, “You can’t do it on your own”, “You will never find someone that would take on a woman and two kids” and so on. Needless to say I was surprised to find out that at the instant I  left the “married women club” I’d be put aside because I dared to break the rules, I dared to not accept a life like that, I dared to wish for true love and happiness. I have become a threat to their fake story, to their insecurities, I was there to show them there was a way out and I was brave enough to do it.  I was an unwanted mirror that made them look into themselves, into their marriages and into their values. And instead of looking at the mirror like I did, facing the good and the bad, they chose to walk away and pretend they didn’t see anything, all for the sake of the marriage institution, the “security” of it and the idea that it is easier to settle because women do not survive without men and men will always do what men do. Not me.

So as I went on finding my new life, new love, new friends, I continued to see and hear from men and women how sorry they were that I was single, how difficult it must be to not have a man and how difficult it would be to be happy unmarried. And in order to survive I decided to open my heart, to look within, to fix myself, to become a better woman, mom, partner, lover. I refused to give up on myself, to become the “cheated”, the “divorced”, the “failure”. I refused to believe in what I was being told. As I studied yoga, psychology and other texts on love and relationships, I realized how women place more value on our wedding day then on our graduation day. How we value ourselves through the man that is by our side and not by what we have accomplished so far. Worst yet, we value ourselves by the happiness of that man over our own. And by acting like this we show our daughters and sons how to be, we show them it is ok to be a victim, it is ok to put the husband first, it is ok for man to cheat. We show our girls it is ok to be with a married man….

I believe we can choose differently. I believe the power of change is in our hands. If not a single woman shows up to be the booty dancer at the video, no women will be objectified on that video. Have you thought of that? If no women goes out with a married man, if no woman accepts the place it is given to them, the patriarchs simply can’t exist! So instead of victimizing yourself, be the warrior that you can be, choose the outcome of your situation, choose to be strong, choose to break the rules, choose to say no, chose you! Let go of the pain and keep the lesson. You will be surprised to see how many people will be there to support you. You will be delighted to see how free you will feel. You will be proud of the revolution you are creating just by going deep into your heart and acting from there, even through fear, even through dark moments. I assure you, the ride will be amazing, filled with wonder, first kisses, new friends and so much love that you will end up being grateful for the shitty moment that started it all. Be the warrior. Honor yourself. Change the world. You got this! We got this!

Much love,

Paty

 

Warrior Woman

The path of a woman warrior. Let me tell you my story with all the ups and downs, the decisions I made and the ones I let others make for me. A story full of laughter and some pain, tears and joy and a fair share of broken hearts, some caused by me, some inflicted on me. This is not the story of a victim, nor a hero. Not the story of a princess waiting to be saved, even though I needed saving many times. This is the story of a warrior dressed in armor made of a woman’s body. An armor so strong it can bear unimaginable pain and transformation. An armor so beautiful that is often misunderstood by women and men. An armor that gets more beautiful as it grows old, shining silver and filled with stories of battles lost and battles won. An armor that would make any warrior proud. And through my battles and my dreams I’m becoming what I am supposed to be as I have chosen my destiny from the start. Through my battles and my dreams I’ve become a star. May the light that shines through me, through the scars in my heart, serve as a path for the warriors behind me as much as the light from the ones before me have helped along the way. And from the light and to the light we become one in the love we originally came from. The love we will always return to.

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10 Things You Don’t Know About Me

  1. I love punk rock and heavy metal
  2. I used to cover rock concerts and have interviewed some really cool bands
  3. I have cheated on a boyfriend and got divorced because my husband was cheating on me. Karma is real.
  4. I eat chocolate when i have pms
  5. I have a hard time asking for help because i don’t want to bother others
  6. I am impatient and also kind
  7. I love to cuddle and kiss for hours and hours
  8. I have super powers i don’t understand
  9. I am insecure sometimes
  10. I am beyond ok with getting old

 

Care to tell me yours?

 

 

Gifts not to give

This week i learned a lesson. A big one. And the lesson came flying through shaking me from the core and making me feel hurt, inadequate and lost. How is it possible that somebody aggressively refuses help when in my heart i can feel their suffering? How is it possible that if you are hungry and i have food, you will get upset if i offer you food before you ask for it? I simply do not understand!! And it took me two days and a few conversations with people that know me deeply to see what i was doing wrong.

You see, i have this ability to receive messages from source. I have always had it, since i was a very small child and in fact i believe every child has it because they are so so close to the pureness of our loving universe that they are naturally open to such communications. Growing with that wasn’t pleasant and i have fought with myself for many years, i didn’t want to be that different, i didn’t know what to do with the messages, visions and such, to the point of asking for it to stop. And it did. For a bit. Until not too long ago when it exploded back into my life without caring if i was ready for it or not. And i wasn’t. I am still not. At least i don’t feel like it.  But the problem is that after all these years, i am summoned back to my path with urgency, regardless of my human will, so acceptance is the only choice i have.

Acceptance is also what brings me to this very very personal blog entry as i expose my most vulnerable side since the only way to become who i am supposed to be is by deconstructing the idea of what i thought i should be. To learn to accept oneself and flow like water is beyond uncomfortable at first and yet inevitable at this moment. Messages will come as they are needed and i have no say in that and my biggest lesson here is to learn to wait for the person to ask me for help and guidance. Yes, i need to learn to sit still and watch the person follow their path on their own time and help only and if they ask for… That is not only frustrating for my heart but torturing for my impatient mind.

When these messages come through, i am vulnerable, open and connected through my heart and when i offer them at the wrong time and receive a negative response, it hurts me deeply because i am so vulnerable. Which is what happened lately that prompted me to have the courage of being here today. With a sore heart, i have learned to control my impulses. With an open heart, i show you who i am. Thank you for being here.

 

Much love,

Paty

 

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Life is all about being able to play with fire.

 

Time to drop the mask

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I was talking to a friend today and he asked me a few very cool questions that prompted me to think how most of us live. Then later on, a Facebook post made me go deeper into my analytical brain to find, from my perspective and it it always from there, what is to be spiritual. I see many people talking spiritual words, working on spiritual ceremonies and summoning spiritual figures and yet I feel that being spiritual has to do with being yourself, your true self.

When a person wears a constant mask, which is in fact an expectation being presented to the world, that person ends up disconnected from their true self. The mask is often confused with protection but it is merely a projection of our parents/culture desires and most of the times does not allow us to shine our true light. We then become so accustomed to it that we fear being our true selves, we fear our own light, power and heart. And sadly lots of us will spend our lives keeping up with the mask as we look for freedom and happiness on outside sources. We will waste time and let go of beautiful people and moments just because of such fears.

To become a spiritual person is to have the courage to drop the mask. The courage to find yourself and love it as is. Being spiritual is being honest, is to acknowledge your qualities and shortcomings, it is to understand we are human and we will feel positive and negative emotions. Being spiritual is being able to embrace the positive emotions and to learn to react to the negative ones. Being spiritual is to be connected to one self and to all of our surroundings and through that connection you let yourself flow with life, let yourself love and be loved, let yourself feel, create and make mistakes.

And once we start seeing ourselves as this amazing beings that are here to learn, mess up, have happy and not so happy moments, we can then share that love with others. We can then start recognizing that same light on everyone else. When we get to the point of pure being (not thinking, judging, analyzing, feeling) we understand we are here to love and to be loved and fear is no longer part of one’s existence. The ultimate freedom that comes from lack of fear is what brings you back to the source, back to your heart.

Being spiritual is to see, feel and taste all of the light that surrounds us. The light from the hearts of everything that is alive on this planet. Being spiritual is to be conscious and alive.

Alive!

Much love,

Paty

 

 

* The very definition of spirit can help us understand:

Spirit – the principle of conscious life; the vital principle in humans, animating the body or mediating between body and soul.

Pain

“Pain
You break me down, you build me up, believer, believer” – Imagine Dragons

In days like these where the pain takes over my entire body making a public display of my lack of self care combined with a life of responsibilities and the feeling that all that is done is never, ever enough, I remind myself of the lessons i often teach my students. And i giggle. “Easier said than done”, i say to myself. As a teacher, I have many many resources studied and understood in my head, many ways to care for my self, to lower stress and to stay positive. As a warrior of life, a mother of 2 who insists on following her path by teaching yoga and having a flexible and absolutely crazy schedule in order to be present in my kids’ lives, i often let go of myself due to lack of time or poor time management, or both. I am known for putting others first and always being available for those in need and i am also know for forgetting to ask for what i need. Funky combination, to say the least.

But when the body gives in and the adrenal glands scream at me, i remember that i have a human vessel and i need to rest. The pain makes me angry at first and it then teaches me to surrender, to let go and to allow myself to take time and renew. The pain reminds me of how fragile we really are and it makes me stronger at the same time because i know i can handle it, i know it is just a warning sign and really a blessing much like the annoying fire alarm that can save my life. The pain makes me humble, it tells me i am not super human, i am operating under the rules of the Earth.

Not every day is a happy social media day with perfect pictures and forever happy moments. Days like these show me that our life lessons are learned through contrast, through powerful and shitty moments, through seasons and phases. And just like the moon, we have brighter and darker periods and they are all equally important for the development of our soul. Times of light and times of pain should be equally appreciated as the teachers that they are.

Here are some of the lessons that pain has taught me:

To stop and evaluate

To stop and appreciate

To honor myself

To love myself even more

To be grateful for my strength

To listen to my body

To let go and relax

What has pain taught you so far?

Much love,

Paty

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Outfit by Tribe Active @ Bend & Breathe studio